Diary Entry- April 29, 1995
This is from the diary I kept when I was pregnant with my first child in 1995.
April 29, 1995
Dear Baby:
Two days ago I found out that I was going to be a mother. I wish I could tell you how much that means to me. You see, dear one, I was told that I probably was not going to be able to have children. I was hoping and praying for you, Daddy and I kept trying, and nothing but negative pregnancy tests. I wasn't feeling well so I went to the doctor. He told me I was pregnant and I told him he was out of his mind. He had me take a test. While I was sitting in the exam room waiting for the results I kept thinking "I can't believe I'm pregnant." But as soon as the thought was finished I swept it out of my mind for I knew it was only wishful thinking. Then Melissa entered the room and said "Guess what? You're pregnant!!" I was so happy I burst into tears. Of course, she didn't know how much I wanted you so she thought I was upset that I was pregnant. I was and still am in a total state of shock. Dr. Peskin immediately sent me to have an ultrasound. I told him I wasn't having one because there wasn't anything in there and this was all a big mistake. I should know, I took seven home tests. He sent me anyway. The assistant in the ultrasound office has known your father and I for at least ten years. She was so thrilled. The ultrasound doctor scared the hell out of me. She said "Well, we have a baby, let's see if it is alive". And you were. When I saw your heart beating I started to cry. It was the miracle I had been waiting for. You look like ET!! I kept asking why your head was so big and everything else was so small, but that's how you're supposed to be. It's hard to believe that I'm twelve weeks pregnant and in six short months you will be mine!!
The next day I woke up and was bleeding. I couldn't get in touch with Dr. Peskin, so I decided to go to work. When I got there I was a nervous wreck and called the answering service. I got Dr. Peskin's twin brother Julian. He told me to meet him at the hospital. I went and told three people at work to cover my job I had to leave. I was so afraid that I was going to lose you. When I told Jackie and Sue they both started to cry with me. You see little one, they know just how important you are to me. When Daddy and I got to the hospital I had another ultrasound and your Dad got to see you for the first time. When I saw your little heart beating it, again, was a miracle. So now I have a request. Please don't leave me. You are the most important thing that has ever happened to me in my life. You are what I have always dreamed of and hoped for since I was a little girl. I don't care if you're a boy or girl, perfect or special needs. All I need is for you to hang on and stay with me these next six months. I promise you that I will give you a good life and that you'll be happy. I can't promise that you'll always have everything your heart desires, but you'll always have my heart and soul. I want you and need you more than anything. Please don't leave me. I want to watch you grow up into a fine young person, I want to cry at your wedding, I want to spoil my grandchildren rotten and then send them home with you. I have already picked your name. If you're a girl it will be Lauren Elizabeth and if you're a boy Richard Thomas, III. I'm begging, please let me love you and hold you. Please don't leave me - leave us. We want you more than you could ever know. I would give my life for you.
I Love you Forever!!
Mommy
(c) 1997 Kimberly Martin All Rights Reserved
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