Happy Birthday Ashle

Thirteen years ago today you were born. You were born to the angels and not to me. I had you with me in secret for only four short months. Just barely four months. I knew who you were, I knew your spirit. I could feel you. You were quietly moving and growing inside of me. Close to my heart. I loved you from the moment of your arrival. Never did I think that I would be without you in this life. I held you quiet inside of me as the ones around you were not so trustworthy with us. They could not sense the wonder as I did. No, as I did with all of your brothers and sisters, I held you to me for as long as I could. You were my little doll baby. I was joyful with the quiet knowing of you. It was enough for me.

     One day, when I least expected the unthinkable happened. You were going to go home to be with the angels. No, I cried. Dont take her. God, I prayed, please, let me keep her. My heart was seared with pain, my body’s contractions nothing like the grieving in my heart at the thought of letting you go away from me. God, I screamed, don’t do this. Please, don’t. As I took myself in quiet to get help, I screamed and I begged for you. I tried, little Ashle, to stop it. I didn’t want to let you go. I thought I would die. Something in my heart was leaving me with you. No, please, dont, but it was no use. God took you by the hand that day, thirteen years ago, and left me alone, without you.

     I told no one. No one knew and I left that evening going back to the home you were supposed to share with me, with your other siblings. Your little feet were supposed to trapse through the kitchen and scatter flour everywhere as I baked. I could see you in your pajamas with the feet in them, running up to me and holding out your arms and saying, “Mommy, pick me up!”, I would have gathered you in my arms Ashle and never let you go. I wanted to see you in the room I was designing for you in that house of mine. Little roses I decided as you already to me were the flowery girl kind. I could sense you inside of me, the spirit you shared with me was real. I knew already you would be all pink and bows and ribbons and lace. Little pink roses for the wallpaper and the crib white and safe. Lavender trim and dolls with blond hair.

     How I ached when I had to go back alone. How much I wanted to share you with them, but I didn’t. Like the last four months with you, I shared nothing with them. I wanted only you. I was sad. So sad, and until today, I remained so very sad alone.

     I took refuge in knowing that you were with Jesus. I knew you and He were close and loving. You were loved there by many angels I was sure of it. I knew you were safe. It was not you I worried of, it was me. I did not know if I would survive looing you as I did. Really Ashle, you took with you something of me. Children are their mother’s heart, where they go, mother’s go. You are never seperate of me, and I never of you. But how my arms ached, physically ached to hold you. I never got to touch your cheeks, and kiss them goodnight. Never had the chance to say to you, “I will love you forever, I will like you for always”. I have missed kissing your little bruised knees, and your little fingers when they hurt, one by one. All ten of them, this one, then that one, then this one too! I still would give anything to kiss your sweet self.

     The pain of loosing you had to be put away. As no one knew of you, no one knew of my pain. The day of your leaving me and birth to the heavens, I cry alone. Every year, cry always in silence where none could see. If not in silence then away to be with only you. This is the one day I could remember all of you. The others were distant of you, but in my heart you remained.

     Every year I would wonder, what would Ashle like to do? The cookies I’m making, would she like them? How many different songs would she sing to me? What would she say to me if she knew of my heart? If she knew of the choices I have made?

     Away in the manger, no crib for a bed, my little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head, the cattle are lowing , the poor baby wakes, the little Lord Jesus no crying he makes, I love thee Lord Jesus look down from the sky, and stay by my cradle till morning is nigh..I have wanted to sing that to you from the day I had you.

     Someone I love very much, shared you with me today. He gave me the gift of knowing that I do not have to keep you to myself any longer, I can share you. I can take you out of the hiding place we have shared so long, and say to him, and you, and myself, here she is, my littlest angel.

      Today I am giving you more hugs and kisses then any ol’angel could ever give to you. I just have to send them to you from my heart to yours through love. One day, perhaps I will be able to kiss your cheeks and hold your little hand in mine.

     Your spirit was here to bless me for a short time. Sometimes I think that others enter our lives so to share whatever blessing they have to share, then they leave again. You must be one of these messengers. You are still teaching me.

     So Happy Birthday my lovely Ashle, with hair of blond curls and eyes so full of life. Happy Birthday to you.

Loving you, Mom

(c) 1997 Jan Beymer All Rights Reserved

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