A letter to Matthew

Dear Matthew,

I am writing this letter to you as I sit on an airplane headed for your new home. The adopton papers have been filed and your new daddy is waiting at the airport. I can’t wait to see his face when we step off of the plane.

I always wondered if I’d ever be blessed with my own baby. But, your daddy always knew in his heart that it would happen. He never doubted it and because of him, my dream has come true this day. I am holding you in my arms as you sleep. You are such a beautiful baby! Amazingly enough, you have my blonde hair and your daddy’s blue eyes! It is as though God placed you inside of another woman’s womb to ensure your safe passage into this world for us. My heart is full to bursting open with love for you already. But then, I loved you long before you were even born.

As I gaze down at this wonderful gift God, your daddy, and your birth mother have given me, I am struck by the awesome responsibility of nurturing you into adulthood. I pray that I will be a good mother. I want so much for you-so much more than I had as a child. I am worried that my feelings of hurt and bitterness towards your birth mother will be handed down to you by some fault of my own. Even though she put me through hell, I want you to think better of her than that. In the end, she did what was right by giving you a chance at life. It is hard for me to remember to be kind to her memory because I look at your labored breathing, your swollen eyes, your sore ears, and your pale, malnourished skin and I want to stike out against her! It is hard to remember that she was just a sick child who knew no better. However, when I think of the 3 months you endured this misery, I am astounded by both her cruelty and your strong will to live. I am convinced that you were surviving for me.

I remember the first time I saw you. You were 2 days old and so very tiny. I knew then that you were mine and I would have moved Heaven and Earth to bring you home then, but she changed her mind. I was heartbroken, but I had to respect her decision. I held you close, gazed into your eyes, and told you how much I loved you. I also willed you to remember me. You must have, because when I arrived to pick you up, you responded to my voice with a smile. You followed me throughout the room with those blue eyes of yours and I fell in love all over again.

My little miracle, how I love you so. My Matthew, which means “gift of God.” You truly are the greatest of all gifts I have ever recieved or shall ever recieve in this lifetime. The plane is making it’s decent now. In a few minutes, you will meet your daddy. I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to be able to finally present this wonderful man with his own son. I know that he will love you as I do because he always has. He knew you long before he knew me, long before he was ready to be a daddy. He knew that he would make a home for some precious little baby like you. He never cared whether you came from my body or not. He always believed in the adoption process and I thank God that he did. My precious little son, you may not have been concieved and carried beneath my heart, but you most definitely have lived a lifetime within it!

Your New Mommy,
Christine G. Law
December 1993
(c) Christine G. Law All Rights Reserved

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