I guess I am scared. This pregnancy is going so well. I have developed some
rather nasty allergies but that is about it so far. In every woman's
pregnancy, no matter how many they have, there comes a moment of realization.
It is then that it dawns on us that this baby has to come out some how. There
is no avoiding it and it can be, at least for me, a little scary.
My last birth was not "normal." The outcome was wonderful but I didn't have
the natural birth experience I had always hoped for. To begin with I went
into labor at 33 weeks and was put on drugs to stop the contractions. The
lesser drugs didn't work and so I was put on a magnesium sulfate drip.
Anybody who has experienced this knows the kind of hell it is. I am grateful
my baby is OK and it was worth it, but it was worse than labor. Anyway, at 42
weeks (10 weeks later) I had not gone into labor yet so I was induced. I
stared contracting after the Cervidil but they decided to break my water
anyway. I still didn't dilate three hours later so the Pitocin was hooked up.
Let me tell you, they were contractions from hell and they didn't feel like
they were pushing in the right area. I thought my back would split in two!
To make a long story short, after 20 hours of labor I never dilated and had a
C-section. It wasn't bad but it didn't do much to inspire confidence in my
body.
If I had done this before at least I would know that my body knew how to go
into labor, but it didn't. I would know that it knew how to dilate and
progress but it never did. I would know how to push and what it all feels
like, but I don't. I'm just as scared this time as I was before, maybe more
so.
They have moved my due date but what if I don't go into labor and the placenta
deteriorates and something happens to the baby. They won't be looking for it
because according to them March 14 will be my due date but what if they are
wrong and it is March 1? I don't trust them I guess. I had told my doctors
over and over that something was wrong before I went into pre-term labor last
time and again before they were about to induce me. I told them the baby was
too big but they didn't listen to me. After I had the baby I had an infection
for two and one half months before someone would so something that worked-and
that was my primary doctor. My Ob's had dropped the ball three times by then.
These doctors may not be any different. Maybe they won't listen to me either.
I guess I'm tired. I get anxious when I'm tired. I'll talk to them about my
concerns in a few weeks when I see them. I hope they don't blow me off. I'm
getting tired of that. I am optimistic throughout everything though
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