Main Page Blog Getting Pregnant Articles Pregnancy Articles Parenting Articles TLOL Article Directory Chinese Gender Chart Pregnancy and Parenting Journals	Apologising - A how to guide By Sharon Jacobsen How many times has somebody upset you, and yet although you are sure they must know what they have done, an apology is never offered? Some people simply refuse to see the error of their ways, some a afraid to apologise incase their apology is rejected. Some even think that you should automatically "know" that the other is sorry (yep, they truly expect us to be mind readers). But if you've upset somebody, an apology should always be offered. Why do you need to apologise? Without an apology, you can't expect to be forgiven. If you've upset somebody, the chances are that they'll carry their resentment with them. The resentment may give with time, but it's unlikely to be completely released. An apology opens up for the chance to talk about what happened, put things into perspective, understand the mistake and put it behind you. Don't pass the buck! The biggest mistake we do when apologising, is to start excusing our actions. "It's Angie's fault really, for taking the car in the first place".....or worse, "Blame my upbringing, if my parents hadn't have been alcoholics, I wouldn't have got drunk and gone off with him that night". YOU are responsible for your actions and choices, nobody else. When apologising it's important to show that you know that you are responsible and are truly sorry that YOUR actions caused hurt. Tell the person that you are sorry, and why you are sorry. That's all. If the apology opens up for further discussion, then it may be right to explain further about the background for your actions, but explain also that the mistake you made is something that you need to learn from, so that earlier experiences won't effect your relationship with others in that way again. Don't offer cheap apologies Have you ever been in a situation when you felt that you should apologise for something that you really didn't feel sorry about. Just because it was expected of you? Children experience this all the time. Mum says "Tell Auntie Jane you're sorry". But you weren't sorry. You thought Auntie Jane deserved what she got, but because you were a child, you had to follow orders and apologise Do you still do this as an adult? Don't! These apologies are cheap and meaningless. If you feel that an apology is expected, but that you really aren't in a position to offer one, speak to the person involved. Explain that you understand that you've upset them in some way, and that you are sorry for that, but explain also that you don't understand what has upset them, or why they feel that you are to blame. Perhaps when you see the situation from their viewpoint, you will understand it and feel able to offer an apology. Or perhaps the other person will understand that you are not entirely to blame. Again, don't pass the buck, simply explain your situation. An eye for an eye Somebody upset you and never offered an apology. This annoys you, and you think "well, if she/he can do it, so the hell can I". We often validate our actions this way. But should you really hurt somebody simply because they hurt you? That also validates THEIR actions. You've opened a pathway to acceptance for this type of action. Do you really feel that this type of action is acceptable? Obviously not, or you wouldn't have been upset by it in the first place. The fact that another person didn't apologise for their action, does not mean that you should do the same thing "to teach them a lesson". There is only one thing worth doing: TALK! Explain that you are upset and why. If the other person still doesn't understand or feels an apology is in order, then accept that they have different values to you, and reassess your relationship to them. Allow the other person to be upset It's important to validate the other person's feelings. Don't start passing the buck again, by telling them that they are overreacting. We all react differently to situations. If the situation upset that person, then you need to accept that. Don't say: "Big deal. I threw a glass at the wall. It didn't hit you did it?" It's better to say something like: "I'm sorry that I upset you. I didn't realise you would be so upset by this. You have a right to react and I'll make sure that it doesn't happen again." Make sure they know why you are apologising Just saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Tell the person why you are sorry. Something like: "I'm sorry that I didn't call to say I'd be late. I realise it's no fun waiting around like that, and it was inconsiderate of me" or "I'm sorry I said you're stupid. You're not, and it was wrong of me to let my temper take control that way." People want to know that you understand which actions have upset them. By admitting your mistake, and showing that you understand where you went wrong, you show that your apology is sincere and stand a much higher chance of being forgiven. Be patient Don't expect everything to be hunky dory again immediately, just because you apologised. The other person's hurt won't disappear on hearing the words "I'm sorry". Give them time to release their feelings of hurt. Allow them to talk about why they felt hurt, and listen. Above all, don't become defensive. Conclusion Never ignore a situation where it's obvious the other person is upset, and NEVER offer a cheap apology. If you don't mean it, don't offer it. Instead, explain that you don't understand why the other person is so upset. Talk about it. A cheap apology is worth nothing and will solve nothing. ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sharon Jacobsen is editor/owner of WeWomen.co.uk (http://www.wewomen.co.uk), a portal and community for women in the UK, offering a web directory, articles, ecards, discussion, jokes, poetry, and lots more. Contact Sharon on sharon@wewomen.co.uk.