I knew I was pregnant. I had every sign; sore breasts, frequent urination, a constant car sick feeling. Yet it took three store bought tests and two doctors to convince me my body was making a baby. Contrary to most of the stories I have read, my disbelief was motivated because I did not want to be pregnant. I was scared. This was not planned. In fact, I was on the pill trying to prevent this.
We had only been married 25 days and were living in a travel trailer waiting for escrow to close on a house we had purchased. We were newlyweds. This was not supposed to happen so soon. My husband was not shy about the fact that he was not ready for kids. He always said, “Someday I will be ready. Maybe by the time I am thirty.” How would I tell him we got pregnant sooner than expected? I needed so much support from him right now. I was sure he would be disappointed and I did not want to face that. I just wanted to hide and have it all go away. Somehow I thought by not speaking of this out loud, maybe it would go away. Despite my “flight” instincts, I had to tell him, I had to tell him soon.
We were driving home from the store when I made my announcement, “Honey, I think I need to take a pregnancy test.” (I conveniently left out that I had already taken two at-home tests earlier). He answered as though he had this rehearsed. Completely calm and collected he said, “ You can take as many as you want as long as they are negative.” I was stunned and angry at how insensitive he was behaving. I began to think I read the tests wrong. I thought if I took one more test, with my husband, it would sink in for both of us.
My final at-home test was a familiar brand that I could trust. Plus, if you are pregnant and minus, if you are not. How much simpler could this be. My husband stood with me in the bathroom as we waited for the three most important minutes of our future to come down to a plus or minus. For about two and a half minutes there was a minus. My husband cheered, “ I told you it would be negative, I knew it.” No sooner than he finished his thought, our minus turned into a “T”. I could not believe it. The most unmistakable test still could not give us an answer. What does a “T” mean? Are we kind of pregnant? According to the directions, a “T” confirms 100% positive.
I scheduled an appointment the next day with my primary physician, who also established a positive result. When my husband got home from work that day he immediately wanted to know what the doctor said. I clarified that there were no more doubts. We were definitely having a baby. Regardless of whether or not this was the perfect time, he or she was already in progress.
Twenty four hours later, my husband ran in the house and announced, as though I had brought home a stray dog, “ Okay babe, we can keep it!” I laughed even though it was never a question for me. I replied, “ that's a relief, I don't think the pound would be interested in this puppy.”
That was when this accidental fetus became a baby for us. It was when we realized that this was not an accident at all. Somebody had this blessing planned for us. Somebody knew we were ready. Our first year as a married couple of course was not typical. I was sick and tired all of the time, not to mention I was a crazy jealous woman. We survived, though we struggled at times. Though we still struggle. Our spirits have started in a whole new direction. We can try and fight it to keep our lives from changing, because it is easier that way. Or we can accept the inevitable. I love my husband. I love my son. I would not wish my life any other way. Thank you for knowing I was ready.
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