Are You Ready for Parenthood?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience
of being a mother or father.
- Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, remove 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to
the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter,
and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go
home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
- Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline,
lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have
allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners,
and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it's the last time in your life that
you will have all of the answers.
- To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from
5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds.
At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until lam. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep,
get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at
3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the
alarm on for Sam. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
- Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons. How does that look?
- Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all
- Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only
scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last,
take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of
CoCoPuffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group
- Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
- Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back
in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again.
Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing
gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the
neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
- Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
- Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent.
If you intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children.
- Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops
are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
- Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I
love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.
|Author - Colin Bowles. Contributed by Nick. Everything anybody could
ever want to know about Nick (that he's willing to share with them, at least *smile* ) and more
can be found on his website: "Scripts & Shoes"|