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So Hard to Say Goodbye
It's early. It's cold. I'm tired. But oddly enough, I'm the only one showered, dressed and ready to start the day. Mom's drying her hair, dad's only just started shaving and the little one is crabby because he hasn't had enough time with either of them. I am NOT the person he wants to see right now. Who needs a nanny when mom and dad are still hanging around the house? Little Mr. Grumpy starts bugging dad to play and wants mom to shut off the hair dryer and simply wishes for me to go away. So begins another typical day at a disorganized household. When it comes time for the actual good-byes, it's not quite so chaotic. Mr. Grumpy has become Mr. You'll-do-because-mom-and-dad-are-leaving, kisses are given, hugs shared and everyone is headed to their respective locations. It's really not so bad. But I know it could be worse. I can remember when it WAS worse. Screaming and tears and arms flailing. Guilty parents sticking around, hoping their child will stop and perhaps understand why they have to go. Wasted time spent trying to explain what work is and why daddy has to go to the big white building downtown and that mommy's meeting won't wait for her. And all the while, I sit, quietly waiting for them to leave. Quietly waiting for them to realize he is just a kid. Quietly waiting for them to stop giving in. Quietly waiting for them to realize that he is pushing their buttons and testing his limits. If I cry, and mom stays, then all I have to do to get her to stay home is cry more. Elementary my dear family. Kids aren't stupid. There is one sure-fire way that any family can make the early morning transition easier and more pleasant for all parties involved. No more silent distress from the nanny, no more fits of anger from the child, and no more soul crushing guilt for the parents. The handy tip consists of three mere words. Stop...giving...in! I know it's hard and you're thinking who is this childless person to tell me how to treat my child? Maybe I'm not a parent (yet) but I have been a nanny for enough families to have figured out how to have a quiet and happy goodbye as compared to an angry experience. And I honestly cannot stress this tip enough. Once a child knows what he or she has to do in order to get away with something, they'll keep doing it. It's common sense really. If I cry and then I get what I want because mom feels guilty, then that's all I have to do next time to get the next thing I want. If your child cries when you leave, it does not always mean they hate their caregiver. It simply means they wish they could still be with you. This should be what a parent wants, just not right before a big day at the office. But prolonging your goodbye only raises their hopes and then it crushes them all over when you finally put your foot down. If you are firm from the start, you will gain respect and understanding from your child. He will come to know that when dad says its time for him to go to work, then it is really time for him to go to work. He's not staying to do one more puzzle, read one more book, play one more game. He's going to work and he's coming home tonight. I once explained to my little charge, after a particularly sour tantrum and buckets of tears had been shed, that mommy loved him so very much and she thought he was very important, but her work was also important to her too. It took awhile but it got through. Another helpful hint is to be ready. Spend time with your child in the morning if you so choose. Let them have their fill of you. Set your alarm, if necessary, and play in the wee hours if that is what your child requires. Perhaps they'll even go to bed earlier if you wake them earlier. But mainly, be ready to go shortly after the nanny gets there. My two best morning families were the ones who left about five minutes after my arrival. Sure, sometimes the kids were upset, but it was time to go. Period. It was something everyone got used to and it most definitely worked. There was no time for tears or compromising. The sooner you go the sooner you can be back. It's a philosophy that works. It's another aspect of standing your ground. But mostly, don't be standing around in your housecoat, munching on toast, talking about getting ready for work. BE ready. My advice is this. Talk to your little one. Not right before you go to work. Not while you're preparing for your day. Not when you're cranky. Talk to them when you have some free time. Tell them that they are very important and you do indeed want to spend a lot of time with them, but sometimes other things (work) are also very important. Explain to them in a very simple way that when mom and dad have to go in the morning, there is no negotiating. It's not like wanting one more cookie. It's a fact of life that they will just have to get used to. Be prepared for the first few days to be rough, especially if they have been getting upset at goodbye time just recently. Be prepared to leave with cries fading behind you as you shut the door. But have no fear. Your child will be just as happy to see you at the end of the day and will eventually come to figure out in their own way and time that your leaving means nothing more than the simple fact that you have to go to work and that is that. Be strong. Don't give in. Let them work it out in their own way. If they have to cry for a few days to realize that you aren't changing your mind, then so be it. Enduring the pain and guilt of leaving them crying will reap its own reward. Your child will understand you, you will have a new found respect for one another, and they won't be getting away with so much stuff anymore! Oh, one more thing. Your nanny will thank you!
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