Main Page Blog Getting Pregnant Articles Pregnancy Articles Parenting Articles TLOL Article Directory Chinese Gender Chart Pregnancy and Parenting Journals	To Be or Not To Be: Where to Draw the Lines on Being Friends with your Nanny When I first begin a nanny job, I am simply the employee. But after a few weeks, once the mom has gotten to know me a little better, I end up becoming the buddy. The pal. The one she can gossip to at the end of the day about work, the kids, or - God forbid - the husband. Not that I mind. On the contrary, I enjoy, no, I relish, the idea of talking with an adult after a day full of why's and how comes. In one job, I actually used to accost the lawnmower guy (who was her nephew) and FORCE him to come inside and talk to me. When mom's (and sometimes even dad's) decide to talk your ear off like an old high school chum, I feel that a good rule of thumb is listen, but don't talk. Say what you should; agree as often as you can, but when you don't agree its best to keep it zipped. I know, I know, its hard for even the most unassuming of us to be quiet when we disagree, but hey, is it really worth your job? The first really good family I had wasn't much for gossiping at the end of the day. Occasionally, when the mom came home first and the kids were all happy and busy, she would sit on the stairs while I waited for my ride and we would chitchat. Very non-issue gabbing, nothing too concrete or important. Yet I still felt like I could talk openly with her if I so chose. She gave me clothes that didn't fit her anymore and warned me about the guys I was dating if they didn't seem very good, but it rarely went any further. It was nice. It was close, but we had our lines. And we didn't cross them. The second family was young and lively. They always had tons to say but it was all very basic and general and never anything heavy or controversial. Nothing I felt I needed to be on one side or the other about. Just friendly gossip about the girls in the office and mostly just updates about the kids' previous night. It wasn't until I had quit that we crossed the line from being employer/employee to visiting friends. They moved to Brandon and it became a good reason for a short weekend jaunt outside the city. We could go visit them! And we did, quite often. The husband was a card, the kids were great and the mom got to gossip, gossip, gossip. And I didn't mind a bit. We'd hug when we arrived and when we left and it never felt strange. We were no longer a working relationship, we were now friends. We never, during the whole time I worked there, had an instance where the level of our relationship was off balance because I was fortunate to be working with great people and kids who caused no problems that needed discussing. However, if there were something of a serious nature that had to be brought up, I'm not sure how we would have all felt about it, and one another. We seemed a little too chummy to accept criticism or reprimands from one another. Perhaps it was an instance of being just a bit too close. The family I am with now throws EVERYTHING at me. I have had to bite my tongue on so many occasions that I'm surprised it's still in my mouth at all! We still seem, however, to be at a comfort level that appeals to all of us. I talk about my home life, but not in detail. They know when my husband is stressed at work or when my in-laws have become too much, but they never really know why. I tell them everything that their child does in the day, good or bad, and that's about the extent from MY end. They, on the other hand, are a whole different story. In the beginning, I would go to work and the mom would still be at home, she just wanted a little time alone. Every once in awhile she would appear and we would go for a walk together (with the child of course!) and do a little talking. Nothing serious. That was fine. I enjoyed the break of silence and the adult company. I guess it grew from there. Now I am her fashion consultant, her shoe decider, and I hear about it any time that the dad has acted like a jerk. Any time she's mad at him I know, which makes it downright awkward for me. Usually I am in complete agreement with her, but I can't say much. I just nod and act sympathetic. It's not like I can then turn around and act snotty to the dad because he's been such a big fat jerk. Nor is it a situation where I can get into a heated dispute over any other issues that I happen to disagree with her on. This is where biting my tongue comes in. We are friends, and sometimes that line does get crossed when I get dragged into marital battles and child rearing battles, but on the most part, I enjoy the friendship. But still, we have a line, it just often becomes a wavy one that bends to the circumstances. My advice to families is, be friendly with your nanny, tell her whatever you like, but don't expect her to side with you on all matters and don't expect comment. Draw lines where you are comfortable, but be sure it is a mutual comfort level. I am happy with where my line is at work, and have given my opinion more and more lately. Be sure to always remain on a level where matters of dissatisfaction can be discussed openly without hurt feelings because of a too-close relationship. In short, be buddies, not best friends. Charlotte Macchia has been a full time nanny for nearly 5 years who has been taking care of little George since he was one month old. She has been married to Patrick (Pasquale) Macchia since August, 1997 and is looking forward to having kids of her own. She has recently been published in Equinox magazine and is looking forward to a career in writing which will allow her family time also. She was born in London, England and now lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba, the prairies of Canada, but seeing as her loves include hiking, climbing and skiing, hopes to move west soon! Patrick, George, and Charlotte