Pregnancy and Parenting Features

Life is Funny, That's a Fact
by Pat Heinen

Nowadays the proper thing to do is explain the facts of life to your kids at an early age. Why should they be treated differently from the way my generation learned? When I was growing up, my mother only explained to me the facts about menstruating. She said our next little talk would be to explain where babies came from and how the man gave a seed to the woman to create a baby. That discussion never took place. I was 14 years old before I realized that I couldn't go into a store and buy baby seeds to get pregnant!

One night at the dinner table, my son, who was six years old at the time, asked me a question about sex. I thought it was a perfect opportunity to explain to him the facts of life. Nervously I explained where babies came from: the who, what, where, how, etc. When I was through, I asked hesitantly, "Do you have any questions?"

I knew he understood exactly what I had explained when his one and only question was, "Mommy, why are some houses made out of brick?"

When my daughter was a little girl, babies fascinated her. One afternoon as we were sitting in a booth at McDonalds, I pointed out the window to a small baby in a stroller.

"Look, Jess, a baby."

"Do you have a baby in your stomach?" she asked loudly.

"No," I whispered, trying to show her the proper voice level to use.

She asked me even louder, "How do babies get in your stomach?"

A hush fell over McDonald's as everyone looked over to me to hear my reply. Through clenched teeth I hissed, "This isn't the time or place to talk about that since everyone can hear us!"

In a voice that was surprisingly loud for such a small person, she asked, "Why, don't you want them to know where babies come from?"

It's a wonder that the human race can procreate at all if there is already a child around. When you decide to have enough energy to make love it is inevitable that two things will occur: 1) a child will cry as soon as you take your clothes off, and 2) when you finally quiet the child down and return to the marriage bed, your husband's ardent advances have turned into deep snores. Maybe it's possible that the child knows a sibling could be conceived that night. The only way I was able to get pregnant a second time was because my son spent the night at his grandparents.

One time my husband and I were in the middle of making love when the kids, ages 3 and 5, walked in the room. I froze like a deer in the headlights. Luckily, my husband is about nine inches taller that me so his body covered mine totally. The little buggers didn't see me.

They kept asking, "Where's Mom?"

My husband glanced down and saw the look of fear in my eyes. Laughingly he replied, "I don't know". Our little secret was never discovered.

One of my friends told me of the time she was in the middle of lovemaking only to have her young son come in and drive his little hot wheels car up and down her husband's legs.

Does anyone have a bed that doesn't squeak? How can you teach the kids not to jump on the bed when it sounds like Mom and Dad are doing just that on Saturday mornings?

What about sex during the day? Forget it! I just can't seem to loosen up in daylight hours. I am forever saying to my husband, "Stop! Ssh! What's that?" One day I even went so far as to settle an argument between the kids while making love. I told my husband, "Hold that thought!" Then yelled to my son, "Give the toy back to Jessica. It's her turn now!" Finally I turned back to my husband and continued where we left off. Now that's the true meaning of a wonder woman!

Pat Heinen lives with her husband, Jim, in Algonquin, IL. They have two almost grown children who are tottering along the edge of the nest. Pat feels confident that one forceful shove will get them to spread their wings and leave the nest. They could come back to visit, of course.

"Life is Funny, That's a Fact" is an excerpt from Pat's book, "A View from the Edge", which she is trying to convince publishers is the next best thing since the invention of toilet paper.

You can e-mail Pat with any questions, comments and/or fan mail at:

Her web site is under construction.

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