The Baby Gap

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The Baby Gap
by Gwendolyn Kopetzky
"When are you going to have another baby?"
I had that question thrown at me literally hours after I had panted, grunted, pushed and cried my first daughter into this world. Needless to say, my answer at that moment wouldn't have been quite what the asker was looking for-and not very nice, besides.
Sometimes how far apart you have your children becomes a matter of chance and romance. We've all heard stories of a breastfeeding Mommy who was SURE she wouldn't get pregnant after that one spontaneous encounter with Daddy.
But how do you decide when to have a second, or third, if it isn't decided for you?
You've all heard the mantra: If you wait for everything to be perfect before you have a child, you'll never have one. Most of us know better than to strive for perfection, but what's so bad about at least wanting things less than apocalyptic before you add another little being to the family?
If you're trying to decide when to expand your family-or if you just need a good retort for family and friends bent on seeing you pregnant again-try taking this little baby gap test:
The Parenting Gap:
Are you and your husband on solid ground?
There's nothing more important than having a strong marriage on which to build your family. If you're dealing with major issues in your relationship with your husband, you probably won't have the love or energy to give to a new baby. Having a baby is indeed one of life's greatest joys for us as parents. But the stress that comes after can cause a shaky marriage to crumble. So try to make sure having another child is a joint decision. If one or the other of you is pushing or pulling too hard, you may want to wait or one of you may end up resenting the baby's intrusion into your lives.
The Personal Goals Gap:
Are you ready to commit the time and energy?
I know it seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes it's the hardest question to answer. Before you have another baby, make sure you're at a spot in your career and your personal life where you want to make the sacrifice. Be ready to put career goals on hold while you shun late nights at the office for late nights in the nursery. Don't let anyone make you feel selfish if you're enjoying your work, your hobbies, your charities, husband or other children too much to add another at this point.
The Pocketbook Gap:
Can your income support another little person?
Finances may not be the most important factor in your decision-and probably shouldn't be-but we can't completely overlook them, either. Pencil out the more immediate pre- and post-baby costs first. Include wages lost during maternity and paternity leave, any medical expenses your household will incur, and the monthly cost of at least the basic diapers and food. Then add in daycare costs after you go back to work. Remember to include any sibling discounts. If you plan to quit or work less once baby is here, your job is a little harder. Don't forget to factor in drops in your income tax rate and other tax breaks like the earned income credit.
The Playmate Gap:
How close do you want your kids?
I have to admit that this hard-to-pin-down criterion, coupled with the parenting gap, became a strong driver behind the timing of my second daughter's arrival. I had heard so many different stories from moms I love and respect. One wonderful friend had her boys barely a year apart. After sleepwalking through the two-diaper family stage, she raved about how well her two toddlers played together. The birth of one nephew and niece spanned more than five years. My sister-in-law said that, although older brother loved his baby sister for a while, now they have nothing to do with each other. Yet another friend said she wished she had waited longer than three years between her boys so she could have enjoyed each of her babies.
There's no magic formula for making good siblings. Some of us set the baby gap to match our own loving families. If you come from a big family, like my husband, you know what I mean. Just remember, providing a live-in playmate for one child is not a reason to have another.
You'll notice I didn't even mention the biological clock in this little questionnaire. Unless you have major health concerns, women are giving birth to healthy children later and later in life these days. Don't let all that talk about biological clocks set off your alarms.
After you see how you and your family stack up against these criteria, you may decide now's the time to have another baby. Or you may wait three, five, seven or even ten years before expanding your family. Or you may just bag the whole idea of actually pretending to do a thorough analysis, close your eyes and go for it.
I went round and round with the questions of finances, personal life, relationships and the whole idea of playmates before having my second daughter five years later. My experience? My husband and I are on solid ground and I'm at a good spot for putting off scratching my way up that old career ladder for a while. I had time to enjoy my first daughter and she had her own little life and a well established place in the family by the time our second came along. She truly enjoys the baby and her role as big sister and knower-of-all-things.
Better yet, I have totally forgiven that well-meaning family member who asked when I was going to have another baby in that delivery room all those years ago. (I love you, mom.)

A Little About Gwendolyn
I am an 11-year public relations professional currently working as the speechwriter and media relations liaison at the City of Tacoma, Washington. I have had three articles accepted since I started dabbling in freelance magazine article writing in my spare time in mid-December.
I have also had my work published in "Northwest Baby & Child."