Main Page Blog Getting Pregnant Articles Pregnancy Articles Parenting Articles TLOL Article Directory Chinese Gender Chart Pregnancy and Parenting Journals	Christmas, Easter and Tooth Decay - An Operational Guide by Brendan Jackson Raising a child is a magical thing. You have in your hands the oppurtunity to shape the life of a human being who is totally dependant on you. Yours is the responsibility to steer them through early life, teaching them as best you can so that they may grow to be a well rounded member of society. As they grow you can impart essential values to your child, teaching them to respect all human beings as well as themselves. You can teach them the value of honesty, compassion, loyalty and everything they need to win that Nobel Peace prize. Oh, you're also going to have to lie. Like it or not, your role as parent makes you the chief villian in a worldwide conspiracy to decieve youth everywhere. The existance of Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy - the myth is yours to perpetuate. Thanks to ruthless marketing and the advent of television you have no choice, your children are going to believe that these entities exist, and it is up to you to make real their expectations. To do anything less would destroy your child emotionally, making them a social leper for the rest of their natural lives. The question is, could you really live with that sort of guilt? If the answer is no, then read on. So you're willing to lie, that's a start. It is not, however, enough to be ready to lie, you have to be prepared for it. Children are gullible, but they're not stupid. If you're going to pull this off you'll need to consider every eventuality and make plans to deal with it's arrival. You'll need to be able to transform yourself, chameleon like, into whichever mythical character is required, and you'll need to be able to do it flawlessly. To help, I've considered each of these fantasy characters in turn, giving whatever pointers I can. The rest is up to you. Good luck. 1. SANTA CLAUS Jolly Saint Nick is by far the easiest person you will have to 'become'. All that is required of you is to sneak around in the dead of night, put a few presents under a tree, and maybe knock off a couple of cookies and a glass of milk. Sounds easy, right? Well, it is, provided you take a few simple precautions. Before you go to bed on Christmas Eve, make sure that your path to the Christmas tree is clear of obstructions, in particular childrens toys. Nothing is going to raise a childs suspicions faster than the sight of Daddy lying in the hallway screaming obscenities and clutching his newly broken ankle, all the while surrounded by brightly wrapped presents. Also, leave the tree lights on to guide you. This will remove the need to turn any household lights on, thus further reducing the chance of detection. Some parents may think it would be easier just to put the presents under the tree after the kids go to sleep, but before you yourself retire. Easier yes, but not advisable. Modern day kids are sneaky, conniving, and above all cunning, so there's always a chance that your little angels are going to be waiting till you go to sleep to sneak out, with the intent lying in wait for Santa. Face it, if they find the presents as soon as you go to sleep, you're going to be the ones stuck answering all the difficult questions in the morning. A little sleep isn't too much of a price to pay for your childs peace of mind, is it? The mystery surrounding Santa is, to a child, awe inspiring. He knows if you've been naughty, and he knows if you've been nice. He holds in his hands the abilty to bestow upon a child every toy they've been dreaming about since their birthday. His generosity is not gaurenteed, however, and children live in the constant fear that Santa saw them hanging from the clothes line or setting fire to the cat, and has decided not to visit them this year. Play on your childs insecurities, dropping the occasional subtle reminder that Santa can change his mind about paying a visit at the last minute if the child were to do something wrong, like, for example, sneaking around the house after lights out. In the end the lure of presents on Christmas morning will outweigh the curiousity of seeing Santa, and your children will stay in their beds where they belong. Some of you budding parents may be inclined to put a stocking in your childs bedroom. Don't. The risks are too great. The terrian will be unfamiliar, with trucks or dolls or Lego waiting to trip you with every step. Madness lies this way. THE EASTER BUNNY This can be as easy or as hard as you want to make it. You can hide the eggs around the house and garden, or you can just give it to your kid. My parents always just used to leave my eggs on the kitchen table, next to my cereal bowl. I suppose it would have been fun to try and find them all, but I never argued. Why would I? It was chocolate, the black market currency of youth. No one argues with chocolate. If you do decide to hide the chocolates, make a list of where you put them. This may sound silly, but you can bet that your kid is going to forget to look behind the washing machine, or under the rose bushes, and in the merriment of it all, you will too. You will search high and low, but to no avail. In the end the only way you're going to ever find them is by following the lines of ants that will infest your home, and even then all you're going to retreive is a few scraps of coloured foil. Once again I have to re-iterate - don't hide things in your childs room. Noone expects a 6 foot Rabbit to be capable of silent sneaking, so your kids aren't going to be expecting it. Why put yourself through it? If it's world class sneaking you're after, become a spy. THE TOOTH FAIRY If you're a traditionalist, then this is the hardest thing you're likely to come up against. You're not only going to have to go into your childs bedroom, but somehow you also have to retrieve the tooth from under their pillow, all without waking them up. This requires a large amount of preparation, and the utmost of care. Your main goal is to make sure your child is tired the night of the 'mission'. By this I don't mean drowsy - I mean 'fall over, sleep for a week' tired. Drugs would be the easiest way to achieve this, but laws being as they are, I strongly advise against using them. The same effect can be achieved legally, provided you're willing to put in a little work. Firstly, make sure your child stays up late. Tell them they can watch TV with you. Late Night TV watching is a childs Nirvana, and they'll be so excited that they won't think to question your motives. Early in the night be sure to ply the unsuspecting child with caffiene based softdrinks. While this will have them bouncing off the walls all evening, they'll eventually come back to earth, and come down hard. Also, think about giving your child turkey. Folk lore has it that turkey meat will put even the most wide eyed and bushy tailed child to sleep faster than your average political debate. Go crazy - have roast turkey for dinner, pack turkey sandwhiches in school lunches, and experiement with turkey smoothies. Combined with the caffiene comedown, your child will be, for all intents and purposes, comatose, allowing you to perform your Fairy duties without any fear of detection. Retrieving the tooth should now be easy. The only other thing you have to consider is how much money to leave in it's place. You will be inclined to be generous, but I would advise you to start off small. As your child grows, they're are going to apply the logic that their teeth are bigger, and the amount the Tooth Fairy pays for them should reflect that increase in size. If you give them a small amount initially, this shouldn't be a problem. If you're overly generous first up, however, you easily find yourself taking out a second mortgage on your house to pay for the never ending stream of molars and canines coming your way. When consider this amount, remember to think like a child. To a child the smallest coin is a huge windfall, and they will treasure and hoard your small change like a pint-sized Scrooge McDuck. Inevitably they're going to spend it on lollies, so all you need to do is take a trip to the nearest corner store and have a look at the prices. The amount you give them should only be enough to buy a few of the smallest lollies the store has to offer. Anything more and your child will be on the fast track to sugar dependancy and tooth decay, meaning you're going to be stuck paying more money more often. Lying to your child is nothing to be upset about. You are not doing anything wrong, and you are not a bad parent. Quite the opposite is true. By taking on this personas you are adding excitement, mystery and wonder to a young life, and by doing so improving that life immeasurably. There are few things more satisfying than watching the expression on a young childs face at the moment they spot a brightly coloured Easter Egg under a tree, or find a handful of coins where before there was only a tooth, or when they tear the paper off that first present on Christmas morning. It is then that you will realise the good that you have done, convincing a child that there is such a thing as magic, and that, at least for the moment, the world is a wonderful place to live in. Copyright Brendan Jackson 1999 Brendan lives in a tiny town noone cares about just outside Canberra, Australia. Currently studying Commerce at the Australian National University, he has recently begun to try and forge a career in writing, an aspiration fueled by the fear that he may otherwise end up as an accountant.