Main Page Blog Getting Pregnant Articles Pregnancy Articles Parenting Articles TLOL Article Directory Chinese Gender Chart Pregnancy and Parenting Journals	Heart-to-Heart Face Off by Gwendolyn Kopetzky Do me a favor. The next time you and your husband whiz past each other ask him: "Remember when we used to stay up all night and talk?" Did you get the stopped-dead-in-the-tracks, deer-in-the-headlights look? If so, it's high time you make an effort to reconnect with your spouse before you find yourselves in that lull between raising kids and spoiling grandkids with nothing to say to your better half. Sometimes spouse shopping (you can call it dating if you like) seems to operate on the same principles as car shopping. Before you settle the deal you do all the research-compare mileage, check resale values, look over customer satisfaction-but once you've laid down your money you don't look back. Then you get caught up in your children and any remaining time (and energy) seems to slip away like sand between your fingers. You know what I mean. Think about all those long nights that you spent interviewing your prospective spouse about everything from beliefs about the tooth fairy to current world issues, child rearing philosophies and personal hygiene habits. Remember all those creative, roundabout ways you attempted to find out: Is he the kind of guy who clips his toenails at least every other month? Does he believe in the "three strikes, you're out" concept for repeat criminals? Then you're married. You've signed on the dotted line. You've driven it off the lot. Those soul-sharing, love-growing conversations often hit the highway the moment the happy couple drives away with tin cans rattling behind the car. I'm not proposing you stay up all night talking now. Heaven forbid-the increased cost of post-marathon coffee purchases alone would totally outweigh any benefits to your romantic life. But there are some things you can do to help get back on the same wavelength as your husband without losing too much precious time with your pillow. Make time. Set a date and pick a time for good conversation. Married couples often pass each other as one is coming in the door from a baseball game and the other is on the way out to a ballet recital. You exchange to-do lists, grocery lists and schedules and you're off. You know you won't really exchange ideas, feelings and thoughts unless you set a time. Think of it this way: If going to the DENTIST is important enough to make an appointment, isn't reconnecting with your spouse? Move about. Don't think your heart-to-heart has to be a sit-down event, either. Imagine all the pressure of staring at each other at opposite ends of the couch with the expectation that big, deep conversation MUST occur. You can talk just as well walking, hiking, bike riding or gardening together. If you do choose to cozy in for your talk at home, try a different room in the house. To make it interesting, try the bathroom-in a bubble bath. Having trouble getting started? Try these tactics: Share a good book. The trick here is not to seem too pushy. My husband is a great dad, but he doesn't read as much parenting literature as I do. I want to talk to him about the differing approaches to discipline described by various experts, so once I handed him a magazine article to read. I only realized later that he took this as a not-so-subtle sign that I thought he was doing something wrong. If you use the right set-up, however, short articles or news stories can give your spouse enough information to feel like they can talk to you intelligently on a subject that may not be their pet interest. Or you can make the supreme sacrifice and pick a topic that interests your spouse. My husband is an Apple Macintosh fanatic. Although I like the computer as a tool, it doesn't set my blood to pumping. But, here in front of the world, I pledge to read one of his Mac magazines so we can talk intelligently about whatever it is about this box of bolts that interests him so. (Maybe just one article will do it.) Stretch yourself. Maybe you don't want to go back over old ground or maybe the idea of a debate sounds too much like something that could become a real battle. Then why not open some new doors by exploring together. Go to a community meeting on an issue that's foreign to you, see a movie (could be foreign, too) or listen to a provocative speaker whom you've never heard before. Afterwards, go out for coffee and talk about what you saw or heard and how it made you feel. The nice thing about this is both the new experience and that neither of you will be the expert and therefore have the "upper hand" on the issue. Stage a safe debate. If you're the playful kind, or if you enjoy a battle of wits now and then, try this. Pick a topic on the airwaves or one maybe you've even debated in the past and want to check in on. (Ever wonder if your husband still feels the same way as they used to feel about capital punishment?) Agree on a topic beforehand, get your resources together, prepare your opening statements and rebuttals and have at it. But make sure you make it a safe debate by agreeing ahead of time to end the debate with an expression of respect for each other's opinions-and a kiss. Do a little grilling. Another less serious strategy that lets you break out of your roles is to play tenacious TV reporter. Track down your interviewee and grill him with questions about a topic of your choice: How do you feel about capital punishment? Why is it or is it not our place to take another person's life? Is it NEVER acceptable or does it depend on the crime? Did you always feel this way? Then switch and let your husband have a turn as the ambush reporter. Just don't get too carried away-reporters don't have to sleep next to THEIR interview prey! Write a letter. I most decidedly express myself better with my hands on the keyboard or my fingers wrapped around a pen. I wouldn't suggest using the written word as the primary way you maintain the lines of communication-that requires the give-and-take of real conversation-but it's a good way to get things started if your jawbone feels a little rusty trying to start a heart-to-heart. Like anything you're trying to do that's new-or a habit you're trying to renew in this case-you'll probably feel awkward the first few times out. It can feel vulnerable to open your soul up to someone, even the person you're married to, if you haven't for a stretch of time. Don't give up. Start slow and watch for cues that let you know you're on the right track. Keep working on getting back to those heart-to-hearts. After all, you didn't pay the price of puffy eyes years ago just for a compatible roommate or even a caring lover. A marriage, first and foremost, is about having the world's best friend. And hey, if you end up with a debate adversary worthy of a face-off to boot, so much the better. A Little About Gwendolyn I am an 11-year public relations professional currently working as the speechwriter and media relations liaison at the City of Tacoma, Washington. I have had three articles accepted since I started dabbling in freelance magazine article writing in my spare time in mid-December. I have also had my work published in "Northwest Baby & Child."