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Main Page Site Index Getting Pregnant Pregnancy Parenting Pregnancy and Parenting Journals Fertility Nutrition Pregnant Moms Morning Sickness Women's Health Child Health	Main Page - Grieving Children and Siblings - How to Help a Grieving Child How to Help a Grieving Child From Fernside At Fernside, we listen. The suggestions in this article come from what many children and their families have told us. The information in this article applies to all children. Caring adults should adapt our suggestions to fit the age and maturity of the individual child. A special section about teenagers adds insight for that age group. The most important message is: You can't fix grief. Caring adults who try to 'fix' or 'solve' a child's grief will be frustrated. Their good intentions will not work. Instead, caring adults need to honor and support the child's grief. Death is an event that leaves a permanent hole in a child's life. It cannot be fixed. Allow the child to grieve. Be available for the child. Listen. Do not set a time limit on grief. Encourage them to share. Help them find their own words. The Facts of Death Inform the child as soon as possible. The child should hear the truth from someone close to her, not from outsiders. Waiting for the 'right time' causes confusion and resentment, and it damages trust. Children need to know what happened to the body. Some want more details than others. But they all deserve a factual explanation of what happened. Explain clearly, simply, and honestly what caused the death. Do not lie. Avoid euphemisms. Do not say: "God needed an angel." "She went on a trip and can't come back." "He went to sleep and won't wake up." Say: "Her body stopped working and could not be fixed. She couldn't breathe or eat anymore." "He was very, very sick for a long time, and there was no medicine that could help." "She died." Explain that the death was not the child's fault. Children commonly believe that something they did, said, or thought might have caused the death. If this is the case, assure the child that he did the best he could. Be prepared to repeat what happened, over and over again. This is especially important for a very young child. Be patient. If the child was present, it is often helpful for the child to go over what happened. Spiritual Beliefs If the child's family has a spiritual belief about life after death, talk about this belief with the child. Share with the child if the religion includes survival of the spirit or afterlife. You may prefer to talk about a caring and comforting God, instead of describing death as God's doing. Knowing what a family believes may help a child feel better about what happened to the loved one's spirit. It is not a substitute for explaining what happened to the body. (See previous section, "The Facts of Death.") The most important thing is to be honest. Admit if you don't know all the answers Memorial Ceremonies No matter what rites are used to remember a loved one, they are likely to be new and mysterious for a child. Include the child in the preparations--receiving friends at home, visitation, wake, funeral, memorial service, cremation, or trip to the cemetery. Describe beforehand what will happen in clear and simple terms. Tell the child what he will see and hear. Explain the purpose of each ritual. Ask the child to help: Arrange flowers or help with the food Choose a favorite song or story for the service Write a note to go inside the casket Take a special gift or flower to the service Invite friends and teachers Create a collage of photos Encourage your child to attend the services. Taking part in even some of the rituals helps the child to understand and feel less alone. If the child is reluctant to attend, gently mention that she may later regret missing out on this important day. Remind him that a close relative or adult friend will be nearby the whole time. Do not, however, force the child to do anything against his will. Try to have the child attend at least one small part. Allow for a last-minute change of mind. Feelings Grief is a normal reaction to losing someone who was loved or important. Each individual mourns in a different way. Some children grieve openly from the start; others show no sign for months. There is no right or wrong way. Avoid judgment words. Do not say: "Stop crying all the time." "It's been long enough. You should be over it by now." "You should be crying. You should be showing you are sad." Express your own feelings. Your displays of emotion give the child permission to be open and honest with her feelings. Say: "I am so angry." "I am so sad." "I can see that you are sad." Tell the child that it's normal to feel angry, guilty, frustrated, scared. Model safe ways to express feelings, like: Punch a pillow Scream really loud Keep a journal Tear up old newspapers If your child wants to stay physically close, Hold the child close, if he desires Sit next to each other whenever possible Cry together Allow the child to sleep with or near you Talk about the loved one If the child prefers to be alone, that's okay, but check in on her. Talking and Listening Encourage communication, but don't force it. Listen carefully. Acknowledge and validate the child's feelings. Take seriously what the child is saying. Address concerns as they come up. A child might be worried about: "Who would take care of me if you died?" "Will Susie die when she goes to the hospital to get her tonsils out?" If the child finds talking difficult: Talk about your own feelings Use memories and stories to help the child find words Play a sport or game together Draw a picture of your family together Read a book or watch a video together (Ask Fernside, library, or store for suggestions.) Take a walk or a car ride where you're alone together, but not face-to-face Arrange for an adult, who is not the parent, to be around and listen Seek the help of a support group or professional counseling Say: "I can see you're feeling sad today, and I'm sad too." "Remember when your sister used to sing that silly song?" "Let's look together at the scrapbook about Daddy." "Your mom loved the way you played soccer." Helpful Activities Often a child may feel very helpless after a death in the family. Anything which gives confidence is good. A new skill can help a child regain lost self-esteem. It can renew a sense of personal strength and control. Also, nonverbal expression, through arts or sports, might be an easier way for some children to cope. Offer music or art lessons Find a class in karate, wrestling, chess, ceramics Supply materials for arts and crafts projects Make or give the child hand puppets Provide a blank notebook as a journal or sketch pad Find a charity to give to or work for in memory of the one who died Kids at Fernside really enjoy bop-em bags, wrestling mats, hammering golf tees into styrofoam, play dough, shaving cream, sand boxes, basketball, and Pictionary. Changes in Behavior Try to suspend judgment as long as the child is not hurting herself or another person. It takes a long time to adjust to the loss of a loved one. A temporary stage of acting out or temper tantrums will often pass if the family allows the child to leave it behind. Love each other and share hugs often. Express affection in a way your family finds most comfortable. A child may change his appearance drastically or develop a very different attitude. It is possible that he might not return to being the exact same child he was 'before.' Sometimes a grieving child will change his crowd of friends. Actively check into new friends and situations in a positive and interested way. People who have experienced a death undergo tremendous personal change. Allow the new self to emerge slowly. Give the child support and help. Change is difficult in any circumstance. Household Routines Try to spend more time with each child individually. Also spend time as a family. Review the day together before bedtime Set up a weekly family gathering time Eat some of your meals together (Find another spot in the house to gather for a meal, if being around the dining room table is difficult.) Try to maintain some of the normal routines. Allow each child to choose what they will do to help around the house. Relax your standards of cleanliness a little, at least temporarily. Talk to other caring adults (like teachers) about relaxing their expectations, too. Be realistic about how much any of you want to do. Everyone may appreciate a temporary scaling back from a full schedule. Allow your friends to help. If possible, put off big changes, preferably for a year. When it is time for a change, include the child. Ask the child what she would like. Give her an opportunity to express opinions and contribute to decisions. "I'm thinking about moving. Would you like to stay in the same neighborhood or explore a new area?" "Who should have the empty room?" "What toys or books or clothing of Becky's would you like to have or keep?" At School School can be a source of additional stress. Don't push the child to return to school immediately after the death. Work closely with the child, teachers, and school staff. Help create an understanding environment. Set up ways to help the child deal with: Trouble concentrating on school work Problems with classmates Days when she feels especially sad or vulnerable Also available from Fernside is the brochure, How a Teacher Can Help a Grieving Child. What to Expect in the Future Grieving is a process that takes a very long time. The child will never stop missing the absent loved one. The pain will slowly, gradually, decrease IF the child is allowed to grieve and express feelings. Daily life contains many hidden pitfalls for children who have lost a close relative. New friends ask how many siblings are in the family. Other kids complain about their parents. A girl's first period without a mother around. Father & Son camp-out. Birthdays. Anniversaries of death, even the date (like the 10th of the month). Holidays. Children deal with bits and pieces of reality as they mature. Grief may seem to resurface years later. The child might withdraw, mope around, act out, be on edge, or cry. Be sensitive to what may have triggered it. Talk about it, if they want. Express your love. Teenagers The suggestions in this article are general, to fit a wide range of ages. Individuals vary, and so do their responses. Teenagers can sometimes get caught in the middle. They understand more than little children do. But the pain, fear, and feelings of abandonment are just as strong and raw. Since they look like adults, people may make the mistake of thinking that teens have adult ways to cope. A quiet teenager, as well as a talkative one, might give the impression that they are doing better than they really are. Sometimes significant adults mistakenly keep a low profile. Older children may try to: Protect a parent or avoid hurting a parent Feel they need to take the place of the person who died Conceal feelings or actions they may be too ashamed to admit The emotional turmoil of adolescence can add to the confusion. Whether the death was recent or long ago--when a child enters puberty, the loss will be keenly felt. ***** Fernside, founded in 1986 in Cincinnati, Ohio, is a non-profit, non-denominational organization serving grieving children and their families. At Fernside, we know that the grieving child has the capacity to rebuild, so we gently encourage sharing of stories, feelings and memories with trusted friends, honoring each one's search for a new beginning. Fernside 2303 Indian Mound Avenue Cincinnati, Ohio 45212 (513) 841-1012 M-F 9:30 AM - 4:30 PM Eastern Standard Time Fax: (513) 841-1546 http://www.fernside.org/index.html ~ Miscarriage and Loss Section Guide ~ Table of Contents - Main Page General and Early Loss Late Term and Neonatal Loss Pregnancy Loss and Psychological Issues Feelings of the Fathers Marriage Issues Grieving Children and Siblings For Friends and Family Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (Multiple Miscarriages) and Testing Loss in a Multiple Birth Issues Surrounding a Poor Prenatal Diagnosis Multiple Pregnancy Reduction (Selective Reduction) Memorial Sites They're in Our Hearts Forever - Gestures of Love Holiday and Anniversary Struggles Links to Dedicated Support Sites Pregnancy After a Loss Poems and Inspirational Stories Songs of Grief and Loss Our Bookstore, Featuring Titles Dedicated to Miscarriage and Loss