Ever since mankind began charting the stars and organizing life into days, weeks, months and years, we have looked to the New Year as a time of celebration and a time for resolutions. ( The latter actually being born from too much of the former. ) The word celebration, loosely translated from it's Grecian origins, defines a lampshade type headpiece worn to a Toga party, while resolution stems from the Greek , resol, meaning, " We drank too much", and ution, which is actually a highly intoxicating distilled Greek beverage. ( Bear with me, I am making this up as I go along and I DO have a point. ) You see, as humans, we have an inherent need to look back on the mistakes of one year and the uncanny ability to lie to ourselves that things will change in the New Year. Whether we resolve to pare down our love handles, kick a bad habit, or just to never drink ution again, January 1 is the symbolic day of good intentions. As parents, resolutions tend to center around our children and our desire to be better parents with each passing year. To that end, I humbly offer, the Top 10 Resolutions Every Parent Should Make For The Millennium.
1. I WILL FOLLOW A MORE BALANCED DIET --- If there were any truth to the axiom, "You are what you eat.", we would all resemble walking crusts of bread.
2. I WILL NOT READ GREEN EGGS AND HAM MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH --- I have been known to break out in hives when approached with this book for the fifth time in one day. If we all resolved to read it only once a month, we could knock this ode to moldy breakfast items right off the best seller list.
3. I WILL BE BETTER INFORMED ON CURRENT EVENTS --- My husband came home recently and asked what the latest was in the world of politics. I replied, "If Big Bird were Speaker of the House, I might have an update for you."
4. I WILL LOOK IN A MIRROR PRIOR TO GOING OUT IN PUBLIC --- It's one thing to make a run to Wal-Mart in paint splotched sweats and a ponytail, but I once showed up at a black tie affair wearing a sequined evening gown accessorized by a spit rag on one shoulder and the scent of Regurg de la Renta heavy in the air.
5. I WILL ACCEPT THAT MY TEENAGERS THINK I AM STUPID --- Rare is the teen who makes the walk through puberty without looking at his/her parents and thinking that a village somewhere is being deprived of it's idiot.
6. I WILL GO OUT WITHOUT MY CHILDREN --- Trade off with friends, join a co-op, hire a babysitter, but AT LEAST once a month, go out and be a grown up. Your sanity is at stake here.
7. I WILL DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF THIS YEAR --- As parents, especially mothers, we are notorious for prioritizing our needs and wants below last. You have one year to do something just for you. Get braces to fix that crooked tooth, join a health club, visit a day spa, or just subscribe to a magazine and actually read it, cover to cover every month. Make YOU a priority. ( again ... that sanity reason )
8. I WILL LEARN THE LYRICS TO THREE SONGS MY TEENAGER LOVES --- I do not expect you to enjoy the pontifications of groups such as The GooGoo Dolls, Matchbox 20, or Snot ( for all I know, there IS a group out there with that name ), but you are sure to earn a couple coolness points when your teen catches you lip syncing in the mini-van.
9. I WILL UNPLUG ALL TV SETS ONE DAY EVERY WEEK --- After your children stop hyperventiliating, you will be amazed at their ability to entertain themselves with items such as books, pencils, paper, crayons ... even dirt. Remember, civilization made it an awful long time without the help of RugRats and CatDog.
10. I WILL RECLAIM A FEW MINUTES OF PRIVACY EACH DAY --- As parents with small children know, "going" in private is next to impossible. This year, at least once a day, close the door. We have wiped in front of a live studio audience long enough. And finally, your BONUS RESOLUTION: I WILL MAKE PLANS NOW FOR NEW YEAR'S 1999 --- This Millennium thing really is kind of cool. As a civilization, by the time we see this many 000's again, well ... WE won't, WE will all be daisy fertilizer, but it will be 1000 more years before someone can buy another Garfield calendar with three zeros at the top. So, line up your sitter now, pick out a really serious toga - lampshade combination and stock up on the ution. ( There will be time enough to reflect on that decision in Y2K. )
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
About Linda Sharp Linda is an internationally published humorist, appearing in publications from Canada to New Zealand, as well as many websites. She is also co-creator of the totally irreverent and hilarious Sanity Central - A Time Out From Parenting, located at www.sanitycentral.com . As a mother of three children ( 4 if you count her husband ), she firmly believes that laughter IS the best medicine. While her own life provides endless inspiration for her writings, she welcomes input and story ideas from other parents! She may be reached at icingotc@msn.com . Linda and her family currently wallow in the endless sunshine of southern California.
About Linda Sharp
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