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Main Page Site Index Getting Pregnant Pregnancy Parenting Pregnancy and Parenting Journals Fertility Nutrition Pregnant Moms Morning Sickness Women's Health Child Health	Remember -- when you get to second, turn left, not right! by Jimmy Patterson If there's one thing I've learned about being a t-ball coach ... well, I mean, besides not to tell a 5-year-old girl you'd like to take a pair of shears and lop off her protruding pigtails -- it is this: As strange as it may be to the uninitiated, it's actually OK to refer to boy t-ball players as "Babe" when they are wearing The Uniform. HOWEVER, it is important to remember that when using the word, "Babe" when talking to a player, you must at least SOUND like a Major League manager. T-ball coaches must learn to chatter like big leaguers. A casual, "Hello, Babe!" would be the incorrect usage of the word on a t-ball diamond. Unless, of course, the boy's name IS Babe. Correct use of the word would be more along these lines: "C'mon babe all right babe swing the bat babe watch the ball babe you got it babe yes you can go to the bathroom babe you forgot to zip up your pants babe get back on third base babe all right babe atta boy babe." Kids respond well to all that constant chatter. They may not know what it all means, but they know when Coach starts talking without commas and periods it's time to get pumped up. Not to mention, constant chatter is basically what kids do all day long, so they can relate. "ANY BASE!" -- SAY WHAT?" As a T-ball coach, it is important to never over-estimate the intelligence of the typical 5-year-old T-ball player. We have one assistant coach who likes to tell our fielders, "Any base!" whenever the bases are loaded and our Dodgers can (in a perfect world) make an out at any base. It's important to remember this: Most 5- and 6-year- olds DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT THE PHRASE 'ANY BASE' MEANS! Even if they knew what it meant they still wouldn't likely be able to do anything about it. Face it, 5-year-olds are not yet impeccable athletic specimens. However, it is imminently preferable to tell your team members "Any Base" than it is to have the manager say "Throw the ball to first," while the assistant coach is saying, "Throw the ball to second" and Dad in the stands is yelling "Tag the runner! Tag the runner! Tag the runner!" No wonder kids opt for soccer: Three baseball experts and three pieces of advice adds up to one very confused kid. At least in soccer the advice is the same from all parties: The head coach, assistant coach and Mom in the stands all yell the same thing: "Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!" Soccer is so much easier. Which is why all the intellectual kids go out for baseball and come out way more confused than soccer players. LEFT TURN ONLY Just the other day, we had an interesting situation occur on our Dodger team. It all started when a particular player ran from first to second. (I shall not reveal her identity, except to say that she has what can be considered highly intrusive hair.) Anyway, when she arrived at second, instead of rounding the corner and heading for third, she turned right. I'm not real sure what led her to believe that the way to home plate was through centerfield, but needless to say, coaches and parents everywhere were screaming like never before. For once, the parents all screamed the same thing: "NOOO, NOT THATAWAY!!! TURN AROUND!!!" I thought maybe it couldn't get any funnier, until last Saturday when a player on an opposing team hit the ball, laid down the bat -- and took off for third base. Perhaps that little boy and our little pig-tailed one should get together when they get older. RELIEF PITCHER TAKES ON NEW MEANING With 14 players on a T-ball roster, one luxury that managers are afforded is the newly created position of "Bathroom Replacement." Chances are the boy sitting in the dugout waiting to fill in for someone who has to go the bathroom will get to play more than any other player on the team. We actually have kids screaming to be the starting Bathroom Replacement. Going potty at the Little League field bathroom is apparently loads of fun -- and at least equally as compelling as the game itself. The line at our Little League boy's room was so long recently that for a moment I actually thought I was at a Willie Nelson concert. SIMILARITIES BETWEEN WRESTLING AND T-BALL One little boy on our team taught me something new the other day: If you can't stop a rolling ball with your glove, the ball will go no further if you smother it with your 35-pound frame. Another kindergartener on our team -- one of our more rambunctious 6-year-olds who likes to go by the nickname "Bruiser" -- was racing a teammate to the rightfield fence during a recent game. When they both arrived to retrieve the ball at the same time, Bruiser let his teammate reach down to get the ball, and then proceeded to bodyslam him into the chain link fence. The move would earn him a spot in the WWF -- if only Bruiser were about 250 pounds heavier. Six- year-olds have apparently not yet figured out the difference between friend and foe, not that it matters in wrestling. Allow me to interject one final point: What I have experienced in almost two seasons as a t-ball coach ranks right up there with some of the most enjoyable times I've ever had in my life. Few things are as fun for me and The Boy. While I had fun coaching our oldest daughter when she was a 6- year-old T-ball player in 1992, the experience was different. She struggled with the sport, but seemed to enjoy it. There were times I thought she might be liking it just because she thought I wanted her to like it. In her very first at bat in her very first game, she hit the first -- and only -- ground ball home run I've ever seen. From there it was all downhill for her. But as I think back, it was probably the way she started -- in both her first game and at her first practice -- that ended up spoiling her T-ball career. At our very first workout eight years ago, our daughter got out of the car, picked up her glove and ball from the backseat, walked onto the field, bent over at the waist and threw up all over home plate. Practice was cancelled that day. I still haven't seen anything quite like it. A Little About Jimmy Patterson My name is Jimmy Patterson. I write a weekly parenting humor column for the Midland (Texas) Reporter-Telegram, and have been for five years. My work has also been published in family newsmagazines from San Angelo, Texas, to Atlanta. I have recieved reprint requests from parenting club newsletter editors from Iowa to Chicago, and from San Francisco to Australia and Nova Scotia. My columns feature stories from a dad's point of view, about my three kids, who range in age from 5 to 13. While it is true that my columns are about my family, I believe their popularity and humor stems more from the fact that what I actually do is write about everyone's family. Situations in which a lot of families find themselves. Please feel free to send Jimmy your comments about his work!