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Main Page Site Index Getting Pregnant Pregnancy Parenting Pregnancy and Parenting Journals Fertility Nutrition Pregnant Moms Morning Sickness Women's Health Child Health	Grocery Shopping A Father's Guide In my 'pre child' days, I always took grocery shopping for granted. It was always quick and relatively painless for me. I was in and out in a matter of minutes. Long lines at the checkout? No problem. I'd just run back and grab an extra six pack, maybe some more steak-ums, check out the chick posing on the gun barrel of a Panzer tank on the cover of this months 'Guns & Ammo' magazine and go see if I knew the meat guy (for some odd reason, whenever I go into a store, I know the meat guy....I've never figured this out). By now the lines have dwindled enough and I'd get out without wishing evil upon any of my fellow shoppers. But, like a schitzofrenic in a footrace, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Leaving the store is always the most pleasant part of the experience. But the rest? Ahhh, the rest. Still in my bachelor days, I'd enter the store loaded down by nothing but the clothes on my back and a genuine desire to get the hell out of there, I'd dash about the aisles, cutting, weaving, bobbing, fake an old lady to the left, then go right and dash for the last can of chili.......Barry Sanders with a cart! Maybe it wasn't fair to my competition. You see, I've worked in the grocery business for a number of years and I've seen all the tricks. The ones that work...and the ones that don't. Even on days working at the store where the clientele seemed to be entirely comprised of a studio audience from the Sally Jesse Raphael show, I could pick up tricks, watch...and learn. It had been several years since I left (actually, I was fired...a displaced ex-consumables technician at the age of 23) the store and I retained some of my former glory. Even after getting married six years ago, If my wife sent me on a mission, she knew I'd come through in magnificent victory. And no impulse shopping, either! I was as disciplined as a Pit bull with a bottle of nitro glycerin balanced on it's crank. I flew over Dresden, dropped the bombs and came home on three engines with a loaf of bread, peanut butter, ice cream and laundry detergent. Nothing more than was on the list! Now, after a few years of cocky super-shopping, I get the honor and privilege of going to the store with my two and a half year old son, Ryan. Ryan is one of the most sweet, quiet, loving and intelligent little boys on earth.....and an absolute emotional wedgie to shop with! I offer here a typical store visit for Ryan and me. I say these things so that you dads out there who have to take your kids to the grocery store do not feel alone, but proud! Ryan does not like to walk on his own in the store, nor does he like riding in the cart. This does not leave me with many options (I'm often heard in the store cursing God for not making me a marsupial with a pouch). Apparently my son thinks the cart and floor tiles contain a chemical substance known in scientific circles as Whinolidium, which causes extreme irritation to the inhabitants of Ryanland. I am now limited to two possibilities: Sell him to the band of Gypsies camped outside near the 'cart corral' (I tried once but was offered only trinket, beads and a half eaten enchilada as payment), or the ever dreaded carrying him the whole time in my left arm and pushing the cart with the other hand. I have a theory that a variation of the latter is what happened to Captain Hazelwood. Keeping my son sufficiently hoisted can be a bit of a chore. Especially when you factor in that he has to have at least two of his stuffed animals on his person at all times (each of which is AT LEAST the size of Paul Williams). Why my left arm isn't as big as one of Pamela Lee's silicone wonders, I'll never know. It gets one helluva workout!......my arm I mean...ummmm......let's move on. With Ryan, stuffed chicken and big pooh in my left arm, and my right hand placed in the center of the carts push bar, we're ready to attack!....as soon as I pick Pooh up again. With my cart hand I pull the list my wife has written on the back of a way overdue bill from my pocket. My wife's lists always bare a striking resemblance to a ransom note. "Bring a gallon of milk, a can of peas, and ten non-sequencially numbered packages of Ramon noodles home by noon or you'll never see football again." My arm starts to give out before we even get to aisle one. The world seems to be caving in around me. Ryan starts to cry. He senses dads misery. I've gotta get out of here! ABORT THE MISSION! Throughout a number of these experiences, I've developed a little list of pointers for you dad's who live to get in and out of the store in a hurry. I offer these here to you today. 1) Scrap your 'no impulse buying' philosophy from your bachelor days. If getting your child a bag of M&M's the size of a third world country will calm him/her down, so be it! 2) Never tell them to 'not tell mom' anything. This never works. Let's use the M&M example. You buy them the M&M's to keep them quiet, and inadvertently ruin their lunch, then tell them 'not to tell mom'. You think you're sneaky but you also forgot to clean them up before you get home. The kids get out of the car looking like there was an explosion during their guided tour of Willy Wonka's factory. Trouble. 3) Put the bread in the cart last. Kids like to throw cans into the cart. If you put the bread in first, by the time you leave it's as banged up as Manuel Noriega's face. 4) Remember, the wobbly wheel doesn't matter. I realize this is a hacky premise for comedians, but it's just a superficial problem and is meaningless. And for you 'Joe Mechanic' types who think you can fix the wheel while you're in the store, I've got news for you...you can't. It's a setup. The cart company gets a real hoot out of watching you obsess over the wobbly wheel. Get over it. It's a cart, not the space shuttle. 5) Remember, in the '7 items or less' line you can have up to 15 items. In the '15 items or less' line, you can have up to 25 items. If you're stupid enough to get more than 25 items at once, feel free to wait in line behind the U.N. peace keeping force buying 55 cart loads to send to Somalia. If you have your kids with you, by the time they get to the checkout they'll be crazier than Mike Tyson at a Miss America pageant. 6) When paying by check, and I can't emphasize this enough, please have most of the check filled out by the time you hit the checkout lane. It's always best to fill out all but the amount section while still at your home. Otherwise, due to the kids jiggling your arm, the folks at the bank will think your check was filled out by a over-caffienated hamster with Parkinson's disease. 7) Last but certainly not least, make sure your kids don't place any items in their coat while in the store. Remember, YOU are responsible for their thievery. Wouldn't it be very tough being in prison and making newfound 'friends' just because your son slipped some macaroni and cheese in his pants? I'd like to continue into more detail about what actually occurs once Ryan and I are inside the store, but I see my time is up. The guard is tapping on the door. Time to take the Warden's kid shopping. A Little About Doug Powers: I live in Lansing, MI and have 3 great kids. Ryan is 3 and Olivia is 1. My daughter Molly passed away in 1996 at the age of 3 1/2 of a rare disease. We miss her very much. My wife's name is Kelly and she's fantastic with the kids. I write as a hobby but pay the bills working for the local CBS affiliate here in Lansing.