|
| |
| |
Click here for some great mommy and baby freebies from BabiesOnline.com
 | |||||
 Main Page Site Index Getting Pregnant Pregnancy Parenting Pregnancy and Parenting Journals
|
A Tantrum: Oh, please, not another tantrum! by Siggie Cohen
A tantrum is what some of us learn to live with as part of raising children, as part of our daily routine. A tantrum is not what we rush to tell our friends about. A tantrum is what most of us want to forget it ever happens, and often we think it only happens to OUR children.
A tantrum is a frightening entity that when not handled delicately it can grow to be a monster.
Some of us may see a tantrum as a form of disobedience or a child out of control, and thus fail to understand the reasons behind its existence.
And when we fail to handle the tantrum appropriately, we can end up falling into its vicious mouth and brutal claws.
Here are some of the fundamental steps to understanding a tantrum:
Let's explain the points listed above:
1) Independence is a vital step in a child's growth and emotional development, and therefore should be allowed to have "life". Since the growing child is becoming more aware of his or her environment, of the options and of the relationships with their caretakers, he or she are being exposed to the ways they can manipulate their surrounding to benefit themselves. Children are extremely self-centered beings (that's not a wrong thing), and they see their environment as it's there to serve only them. Our job as responsible caretakers is to guide and teach them the appropriate, and the positive ways, to influence it.
2) "You made me angry…!" cries (or screams) a child during a tantrum. "You don't give me what I want!" The child seems to be yelling, or actually is. What the child is communicating are feelings of anger, frustration, and disappointment - all feelings that need to be acknowledged and validated. Validating a child's feeling is one of the most important stepping stone on the road to a strong and reliable relationship. Think of how much you want your spouse; your parent; your best friend to validate your feelings and how stronger it makes you feel when someone just simply "understands me". Your child is asking for the exact same thing. Saying: "I know you're angry that I didn't give you… that you didn't get…" or "I'm sorry you couldn't have… I know how disappointed you must feel…" is compelling and powerful. It allows the child to feel validated, and most of all it makes him or her feel respected by you.
3) Now, saying you understand how your child feels, should not, by no means, be confused with your child getting what they want, for you giving in to their demands, or even agreeing that their behavior is appropriate. You need to separate your child's feelings from their behavior and while validating their emotions you can let them know their behavior is not appropriate. It's important to understand that your child getting angry at you is not YOUR fault. Their anger belongs to them and is a result of a very real feeling THEY are feeling. Try not to feel guilty when your child let's you know (by throwing a major tantrum) that they are angry with you. Your child being angry is not the end of the world, it's merely a way of expression.
4) Since a tantrum acts like a cycle - it has a beginning, a middle, and an end - you need to treat it that way: it has to go through its complete cycle. Understanding that the tantrum belongs to your child, and only your child begins the tantrum as a result of their OWN feelings, it would be only fair that your child ends the tantrum on their own. Letting them know this, is important. Once again you validate their feelings: "I'm sorry you have to have that tantrum, I see how angry and frustrated you are…" and let them know it's within their control: "…and when you're done with YOUR tantrum, we might be able to do… to go… to have…" Let your child know, in the most calm way possible (yes, while he or she are screaming from the top of their lungs, kicking and throwing themselves on the floor) that you really are there for them, and you will be there when they are done. If you need to leave the room because they are too loud, say it. (Tantrums happening outside of the home are a separate topic). If you need to close the door on your child because you are uncomfortable seeing them that way, let them know that too. Communicating with your child while he or she are going through the tantrum is extremely important, as long as you don't give in, feel guilty, or try to end the tantrum for your child by making promises or threats. This might only anger them more, since they are sensing your anxiety. Be compassionate, clear, precise. Your child wants you to stay in control, while they are out of control, so they can rely and depend on you.
5) Once the tantrum is over - and every tantrum is eventually over - sit and talk about it. You might want to take your child in your arms and softly speak to them about what has just happened: "You were so angry. I could tell. You wanted that… so badly." Your child wants to be reassured of your love, even when you two disagree. You can let your child know that you didn't like seeing them having that kind of a tantrum, that you totally disapprove of them getting so out of control, but that you understand that it was what THEY needed to do. Remember you always want to make them feel good about themselves and therefore never belittle their emotions. You can talk about other ways to handle such anger (or other feelings) next time, come up with suggestions, or let your child come up with ideas. Know that making up is a wonderful way to feel close again.
We all need to remember that we have our breaking moments, our down times, our weaknesses. We don't want to be reminded of them all the time, we certainly don't want to be remembered just for them. Each and every one of us experiences a tantrum much like our children (even when our tantrums don't include throwing ourselves on the floor), and we all want to be forgiven for our mistakes. What you learn to do for your child, you eventually learn to do for yourself and your loved ones.
Try not to get intimidated in the face of your child having a tantrum. Don't panic, or give in to your own anxiety. Instead, keep calm, remember the points made above, and mostly that your child needs you, and is not having a tantrum to hurt you; to get you; or to ruin your day…
I have also began teaching "Parent & Me" courses in which I integrate my
love for young children and my experience working with them, with my
knowledge and expertise in various issues of parenting.
My own boys are now almost 11, 12 and 3/4, and 15, all are doing very well
at school, and keep a steady relationship with their parents and each other.
My personal goal is helping parents (and teachers) better their
relationships with their children.
I could be contacted for questions at: |
|
|||
Please feel free to email us at 
if you have any questions or comments!
© Earth's Magic Inc 2000 - 2010. All Rights Reserved. [ Disclaimer | Privacy Statement ]