The Coffee Morning

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The Coffee Morning
by Carol Dunn
One day, the lady decided to take the little boy out of the house. This was a fairly rare event, as it is usually too sunny, or too muggy, or too rainy, or there were too many circling old ladies to tell the lady about how the little boy is too young to go anywhere (the lady considers this clap-trap--though she is not sure what clap-trap is.) She thinks that the reason that really little guys fall asleep the moment you take them somewhere is that it's God's way of getting young mother's to go out visiting so as not to pull their hair out (note that the lady didn't specify which God, she's laid back that way).
The little boy, however, was not born yesterday--indeed he was born over 60 days ago--and he has figured out that it is much more interesting not to sleep when going out--it's as much fun getting the lady to guess what pose he wants to be bounced in on the street as in the house (usually the 'dead' pose where he limply hangs from the ladies arms and looks at the world upside down) In fact, the little boy thinks, it's more fun to do the dead pose at bus stops because more old ladies look shocked.
Getting ready to take the little boy visiting takes some time. The first time the lady took the little boy visiting she carried a little disposable diaper bag, with two diapers and two puffs of cotton. The next time she carried a group of bags, with 4 diapers, some puffs, and a blanket. Next time, she moved to the back pack with a lot more diapers, and stuff. Now, she has a very full backpack with: 6 diapers, 8 plastic bags, travel pack diaper wipes, cloth for wiping the big drool strings, shaky toy (Tigger), blanket, coat, hat, umbrella, pacifier, pen, paper, baby sling, and random things forgotten until needed. The lady sighs and thinks of how complex the world is.
Eventually the lady reached her friends house for the Mommies' Weekly Coffee morning. There were babies everywhere, and each was resolutely pretending that he/she was the only baby in the room, a rather impressive feat when you think about it.
The lady thinks that all the other ladies must be jealous because the little boy is by far the cutest little one there. But then, as she looked around, she realised that the little boy who looked just like the character from "Where the Wild Things Are" was pretty cute, and she could already imagine the little boy with the wonderfully huge mouth out for a beer with friends, loving football and having a huge belly laugh. Even the one that looked like Mr Brain, with a huge cranium and little face, was very appealing that way. The lady then understood that each of the other ladies would be able to go home and quite rightly feel that their little ones were the cutest. Must be another one of those God's gift things. "Too bad about the motor skills, athleticism and intelligence, though" thought the lady, "the little boy has them all beat there."
After the coffee morning the lady decided to do something very daring--shop. She put the little boy in his sling facing out (so he wouldn't even think of the boob), and fended off the old ladies "See, his head is supported by the straps here". While in the very first shop, she felt an incredible rumble from the sling area, and then a second one. About 15 seconds later someone said "Ewwww, what's that!?" Looking down the lady saw a yellowish green sploch appear, then another one, and another..."Oh my God!" the lady thought "Diaper Blow out!!" The lady went zooming through the crowd, searching for the baby changing room--leaving a trail of sploches as she went (no longer circular due to her intense speed) Having found it, she elbowed herself past all the other baby-slung women, yelling "Diaper Emergency! Diaper Emergency! Stand Clear! Stand Clear!"
Later, as she stood in line to buy Baby Gap socks to avoid dreaded old lady glares, she thought "hmmmm, maybe I should include a change of clothes in the backpack."
The little boy--realising that the fruits of all his labour, and his most impressive result yet, had been completely swept (well, wiped) away--cried and cried and cried.

A Little About Carol Dunn
Carol Dunn is a former Management Consultant. She has lived in England, Russia, Kazakstan, Belarus and Ukraine, but is currently residing happily with her husband and son in the Washington DC area. They are expecting a daughter in July.