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Main Page Site Index Getting Pregnant Pregnancy Parenting Pregnancy and Parenting Journals Fertility Nutrition Pregnant Moms Morning Sickness Women's Health Child Health	Sharing is Hard by Amy Scott Sharing is hard. I don't know a toddler who ever truly did a good job of it. I've begun to really wonder - why do we really even try to teach it at that age? Wouldn't it make more sense to just get through the day peacefully, offer reminders, hints of how nice it feels to hand something over, and turn our efforts toward distracting the little honey from his targeted item? Cath Fisher, mother of two boys (ages 2 and 4), recently posted on a discussion list for attachment parents, "I have always found that in teaching children to "share" we are trying to make them do something socially "correct" but which goes against their natures and which we wouldn't dream of doing ourselves. I always maintained that if some vague acquaintance asked me for my car keys, wallet, diary, or (egads...) to hold my baby, I wouldn't dream of parting with my stuff (or child) into the hands of a person I didn't trust, yet we expect our children to do this joyfully. Now, at 4 he is an extremely considerate child and will offer others a "go" of all his toys, a piece of his candy, etc. and he also shows a great deal of concern when others are hurt or distressed. Just because something is not "nice" doesn't mean it's not normal (or within normal limits) and 2 year olds hitting [or grabbing, or not sharing] are not nice, but they are normal. The problem comes when parents accept that because it is normal, they don't need to address it and don't need to teach their child that it is not acceptable." Really. We believe that babies and children naturally strive for independence (on their own unique timetable, of course) -- that they will wean when they are ready, walk when they are ready, talk when they are able, and that they will feel more secure for having not been forced. Why not the same with sharing? I want my children to know they can count on me to respect their dignity as complete human beings, and that means (among many things) finding creative ways of getting through sharing conflicts. It means doing the hard work of parenting during periods where a gap exists between social mores and my child's developmental pace. When my child has an item that another wants, I periodically and matter-of-factly remind him that there is another child waiting for a turn. Often, this is obvious, as the other child is wailing. Other times, a reminder - after 2 or 4 or 10 minutes of playtime - is just what was needed for him to happily give the other child a "go." Even if the other child has stopped asking for it, I remind. I like it when I see the pleasure on the face of my son as he shares. I think that's the pleasure that keeps him doing it. That has him doing it now, without reminders. When children are visiting, and I know there are special belongings that will inevitably cause anxiety, we agree to put them away before our guests arrive. How many of us can say we gladly offer our guests our most favorite treat hidden in the back of the cabinet? Not to mention our precious keepsakes or favorite coffee mug, cherished for reasons sometimes no one else could understand. (Why is my one-year-old so enamored of our broom, anyway?!) And the toughie: When my child grabs a toy out of the hands of another child, I don't force him to give it back. Verbally, I tell him he must, and that grabbing is unkind, against our family rules, and rude. When he refuses still, there is tension. There I am looking at a crying child, (someone else's crying child) longing for the toy my kid wrongly snatched and is refusing to return. But I try to never take it out of his hands against his will. A few of my friends understand my reasoning, and a couple of them share it. In most cases though, it gets really awkward. I feel sorry for my son's behavior, and self-conscious about the other parent's perception of my discipline techniques. Nevertheless, I don't spank them when they hit, and I don't grab toys from they that they have grabbed. What a betrayal, not to mention logical absurdity, for me to grab the toy from my son and give it back to that sad child. Will he ever believe that grabbing is wrong if I do it to him each time he does it to someone else? Instead, I sympathize with the wronged child, and express my sorrow for her/him. I may even say to my son, "I won't grab that truck back from you because grabbing is very unkind. But I sure do wish you would give it back and ask for a turn instead." Typically, he returns the toy quite soon. Occasionally he doesn't. And it isn't fair. Sometimes we can distract the offended child, offering different playthings or something to eat. It still isn't fair, but at least I haven't added to the injustice of the situation. Sharing is hard. Wears The Baby - Distributing cool and useful goodies for nurtured children and mindful family life. Amy Scott lives in Cincinnati with her husband and two children. She is a sociologist, breastfeeding counselor, and owner of Wears The Baby, distributing cloth baby slings, breast pumps, and nursingwear. The Scotts are a home-educating family.