Hand Holding Toddlers, in their egocentric little worlds, consider hand-holding as "possession". They believe that they have control. And they're pretty much right, because even though they weigh a lot less than us, Einstein showed that ENERGY counts as mass, too. This is why sometimes I'm pretty much hanging on to a Sherman Tank. A screaming Sherman Tank. And God forbid I let go for a second - to adjust a purse strap threatening to amputate at the elbow. This is commonly interpreted as a clear signal to RUN.
Kid Breakfast Don't they know that the chances of getting Tofu into a child's stomach are roughly equivalent to winning the tri-state lottery. FICTION, is my point. Real families don't whip up nutritionally balanced power smoothies every morning (my apologies to the freaks who do).
Laundry ..."When do you suppose "laundry" started? First instinct tells me that it must have happened as soon as bodily covering came into vogue, but I have a sneaking suspicion that humanity went around stinking for a few centuries before it occurred to someone that water came in three temperatures for SOMETHING."...
NASCAR Frankly, racing in an expensive car with no requisite stops, and no children sounds like my idea of a vacation, never mind a "sport". They don't even have to pump their own gas! But people somehow have enormous respect for these driving gurus. They travel large distances to watch the races. They plan weddings around them, and endure incredible hardships, mostly in the form of traffic, to congregate in support.
Quality Time ..."I just mounted a brass door knocker on my bedroom door - at bellybutton height. It looks ridiculous, but it's one in a series of desperate attempts to carve out some quality time with my husband."...
Spilling Stuff As children grow, they become more comfortable with solid foods - meaning that the mess migrates from the general body-area onto the floor, walls, ceiling, and any difficult-to-clean surface within 8 feet (that distance growing with the cube of the child's age). Clever manufacturers have addressed this problem, and now sell cute little "mess mats" to place under high chairs to catch the spills. Spills that only a trained stunt-adult could make so smartly. I've always found that plastic painter's tarps and elevator quilts work better.
Step in Puddles Painting my fingernails means ALSO painting the fingernails of everyone else in the house, including the cat (have you tried this? Let me tell you, it's a treat.) I can usually mar a manicure in less than 12 seconds, because my kids have nail polish radar.
The Vest ..."I have to say that my son tends toward "frightening" when it comes to clothes. He's MUCH too opinionated about fashion, and always has been, despite the fact that "matching" has never been high on his list of clothing priorities. It started when he was 2 years old, and insisted on wearing his "uniform" everywhere: wingtip shoes, no socks, flannel PJ bottoms, no shirt, a life jacket, and a bicycle helmet. I am not exaggerating. I have pictures, which I thoroughly intend to reproduce at poster-size for his wedding reception. "...
if you have any questions or comments!