Why Children Feel Responsible For Divorce
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Divorce is a tragedy not only for the couple involved, but also for the
child or children who go through a divorce. There are many aspects of a
divorce that can make a child or children feel responsible for divorce.
First and foremost, children who go through a divorce feel a great sense of
loss. Even if a parent is involved still with the child, the parent is
still not physically present as much as they were in the past. In addition,
Children who go through a divorce often face issues with self esteem. In a
divorce, children are also affected in the area of security. Fears that
both parents will abandon the child are common, as are fears about what will
happen to them next. In addition, the absence of one of their parents can
make the child feel extremely lonely.
Children who go through a divorce sometimes believe that they are
responsible for the divorce. They might have overheard their parents
arguing about something, and mistakenly think that it was the child that
they were arguing about. At other times, children might see divorce as a
form of punishment; they believe that they must have done something wrong
for mommy or daddy to not want to live with them anymore.
If a child custody arrangement is difficult or nasty, a child will often
feel as though they are at the center of the dispute. Indeed, because most
people believe that their children are their most precious possession, a
fight for custody can be extremely heated, and very emotional; this emotion
carries over onto the child.
In some cases, parents try to use a child or children as a sort of a pawn in
a game with their former spouse. In these instances, a childs self worth
is severely damaged, and the child is also more likely to feel responsible
for the divorce.
They may believe that they themselves caused the divorce, or that they did
something wrong that made mommy and/or daddy want to not be with them.
A divorce affects a familys structure and operating procedures. In some
cases, a divorce will mean that a child literally loses a parent, only to
see them once or twice in a year, or even less. This can also cause a child
to lose contact with the family of the non-custodial parent, as the child
may be less and less likely to see those grandparents, uncles, aunts, or
cousins. Basic logistics, such as holidays, birthday parties, and school
activities are also affected by a divorce.
Some of the ways that a child who has been affected by a divorce might
express these difficulties can include:
- large amounts of anger, directed both toward others and themselves
- frequent breaking of rules
- drug and/or alcohol abuse
- destructive behavior
- frequent guilt
- problems with defiance
- increasing isolation or withdrawal from friends and family
- thoughts of suicide or violence
- increased or early sexual activity
- a failure to acknowledge responsibility
Some children are affected more by divorce than others. However, all
children will be affected by a divorce. The things that parents do and
dont do will greatly impact exactly how much a child is affected by the
divorce. In addition, the childs gender, age, psychological health, and
maturity will also all affect how a divorce impacts a child.
Divorce will not be easy for a parent; but a parent is a grown adult who has
(hopefully) mastered coping skills. Children, on the other hand, are not
necessarily as prepared as an adult in this regard. If you are going
through a divorce and have children, you need to make the way that the
divorce affects them your top priority.
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