The idea that you can meet someone at a young age, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after is sweet and quaint. Even better if the marriage is still going strong when the couple are well into their 80′s. The reality however, is that our society is riddled with temptation, whether it be food, money, fashion … or attractive human beings. Monogamy is a concept founded by religious forefathers and has existed for generations as a way to encourage marriages to succeed. These days, however, finding a mate and devoting oneself to that mate forever more, is increasingly falling out of fashion. Infidelity is so common that in the United States, it isn’t even taken into consideration as grounds for divorce or in consideration for property settlements.

When a couple opens their marriage, it is usually after much discussion about the kinds of rules they want to apply to the arrangement. Initially there will be talk about how exciting it will be to be with other people, and how wonderful that there will be this openness and honesty between them, even though they are having sex with others. Eventually, talk will turn to rules such as if kissing is allowed (even though intercourse is permitted), or whether they can stay overnight at a lover’s house. Sometimes, talking can be as exciting as doing and the need to actually open the marriage may never arise. If and when it does, however, hopefully the couple will be well enough versed on each other’s feelings to have cemented a safe and comfortable arrangement.

The rules can change as the interactions occur. Part of what makes successful open marriages work is that there is constant communication. Whether it’s talking, laughing or crying, the partners are always aware of how each other feels. Unfortunately, where things can go wrong is if one partner chooses to back away from the open nature of the relationship and the other wants it to continue. This can cause conflict and a betrayal of trust.

Of course, there is always the potential for an affair to happen. Sure, each partner knows what the other is doing, but when emotions creep into liaisons with others, they can slowly erode the primary relationship. One partner believes everything to be going as per usual, the other is hiding small pieces of information such as phone calls, secret meetings and love letters. Once this happens, either the marriage has to revert to conventional rules or there needs to be some serious discussion as to who is more important, the spouse or the lover.

Yes, open marriages can work, though some may say that they can work for an indefinite period of time. The dynamics of a two-way relationship can be difficult enough at the best of times; including a third or fourth person can be the breaking point for even the closest couples.

Posted in Relationships

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